Fear the Wall’s BAD Season Predictions
Everyone has hot takes from time to time, and the preseason and/or the first few weeks of the season are always the perfect time to let a few crazy theories fly. We could never call ourselves sports pundits if we didn’t occasionally drop an all-time stinker of an opinion.
Is this Bochum’s year to lift Bundesliga glory? Will Xabi Alonso be sacked by Leverkusen after just ten match-days? Will Sheraldo Becker win the coveted Golden Boot? Is St. Pauli going to become surprise Pokal champs? This could all happen, right? Just don't ask us to make an educated argument as to why we have these predictions.
So without further ado, these are our BAD predictions for the Bundesliga, that we beg of you to all wipe from your memories when they’re inevitably miles off-target in the spring:
Joey
A new team will become Bundesliga champions and it won’t be who any of us think. Union Berlin and Freiburg have shown us how underdog teams can become successful with good management and I believe one of them will be crowned German champs.
I’ve written off Bayern as title contenders since they signed Harry Kane from Tottenham for a bazillion euros. Little do the Bavarians know, Tottenham is not a cursed team. Harry Kane is the reason Spurs haven't ever won a trophy and his curse will guide FC Bayern to their first trophy-less season in over a decade. Meanwhile, Tottenham Hotspur will lift some kind of silverware this season for sure.
Anders
Xabi Alonso will be fired before the winter break, and he will overtake Thomas Tuchel at Bayern. Oh come on... You all know this will happen. Bayern got slaughtered in the Super Cup just a few days ago, and Thomas Tuchel has already publicly humiliated Bayern’s holy cow, Joshua Kimmich, by stating that he’s no real number 6.
I’m 100% convinced that Xabi Alonso has a deal in place with Bayern’s new sporting director, Christoph Freund, and that he’s just waiting in the shadows until Tuchel makes the tiniest of missteps. Don’t worry though. Xabi Alonso won’t lift the trophy with Bayern this season, as Joey has already mentioned.
Sean
Bochum are going to have an historically bad season, and Dortmund STILL won’t beat them away.
Do you remember a few years ago when Schalke were having that dreadful season, and they only just managed to avoid slipping behind Tasmania Berlin’s historically dreadful 10-point campaign from 1966.
Bochum were terrible last year. The only reason they remained in the league was because they overperformed their mind-gratingly horrific expected goal metrics. You have to be REALLY bad to only get 10 points in the league, and in the end Bochum will probably get more than 10 points, which brings me to the kicker: at least one of those points is guaranteed to come from one of their two matches against Dortmund, because for whatever reason away matches at Bochum, even when we win, always seem to be way more difficult than they ought to be.
Hey, who do we play tomorrow?
Zac
Thorgan Hazard will enjoy the finest BVB renaissance. Any BVB fan would have no trouble pointing out some of the major flops in Black and Yellow: Yarmolenko, Immobile, Nico Schulz. The list goes on. But I would wager that few would throw Thorgan Hazard at the top of that list. It has been a weird spell for the Belgian at BVB. It’s hard to call his transfer a flop because he has never been outright awful, but he has never really clicked either for more than a single season. Whereas last season Julian Brandt really found his form, his 2019 transfer partner went out on loan after being frozen out of the team. Hazard is now back, and unlikely to make a move before the transfer window
BVB player returns from loan and reintegrates into the team to become an important depth piece… where have I heard this before? Marius Wolf, perhaps? Hazard was the top scorer in preseason, and potentially he has enough left in the tank to help shore up BVB’s winger slots, or even stake a claim to start in one?!
Paul
Donyell Malen will contribute 25 goals and 15 assists in the Bundesliga, finishing the season as the Bundesliga Player of the Season as Borussia Dortmund scrape fourth place in the final game of the season. Edin Terzic will be sacked, Emre Can will be sold, Mats Hummels is going to be turned to glue before Christmas. Everything around us will crumble into dust, with just one remaining shining light to guide us through the choppy waters, making sure that a disastrous season doesn’t relegate us to Europe’s less prestigious knockout tournaments.
This is Donyell Malen’s team now. I will not be checking the comments of this article. Go ahead and scream into the void.
And there you have it!The esteemed geniuses here at Fear the Wall have spoken! After our predictions all come true, just remember: You heard it here first!
