How every Premier League club can sign Kylian Mbappe this summer

Kylian Mbappe’s told Paris Saint-Germain he won’t sign a contract extension and the club don’t want him to leave for nothing next summer. Ipso facto, he’s off; probably to Real Madrid, who now have a neat Karim Benzema-shaped hole in their attack. But it’s fun to imagine otherwise.

Mbappe himself has come out and said he “will continue next season at PSG where I am very happy,” but the bloke has seen the Kenilworth Road away entrance and he is charmed. Here’s how every Premier League club could sign the world’s most valuable player…

ARSENAL
A penalty miss against Switzerland at Euro 2020 points to Mbappe fitting in rather nicely with the Arsenal bottle jobs, though his display in the World Cup final suggests otherwise. Doubts as to whether signing the best footballer in the world is part of ‘phase four’ of Mikel Arteta’s process.

ASTON VILLA
Yet to win a European trophy despite five years at a state-funded behemoth, Unai Emery’s Aston Villa would be among Mbappe’s best bets. The poor lads from Hearts could be in for a torrid time.

BOURNEMOUTH
The market value of Bournemouth is £209.13m, so they would have to sell the club to PSG to buy Mbappe, with just enough left over for a 4G pitch, some floodlights and ten League Two ringers to make up the numbers.

BRENTFORD
Ivan Toney will need to find something other than his own team to bet against in the off-season, but a few high stakes roulette spins or a couple of days down the dog track and he could make enough for a new strike partner.

BRIGHTON
Develop a time machine, go back a decade when Mbappe was at the Clairefontaine academy, sign him for peanuts and sell him for tens of millions, as is Brighton’s wont.

BURNLEY
Best bet would be to play on some potential confusion on Mbappe’s part that Vincent Kompany is managing Burnley and not someone better. Remove club emblems from clothing and hire out a function room at the Etihad for negotiations.

CHELSEA
Mbappe got more goal contributions (1.34 per game) under Mauricio Pochettino than any of the other six managers he’s played for, which may tempt him to Stamford Bridge, and if that doesn’t then a 12-year contract on pitiful wages surely will.

CRYSTAL PALACE
He would have a few French pals to shoot the sh*t with. Alongside Odsonne Edouard and Jean-Philippe Mateta, Crystal Palace could have a an entirely French – and very lopsided – attack.

EVERTON
We suspect half an hour in a room alone with Sean Dyche would be enough to persuade him, but if that doesn’t do the trick then assurances of game time due to Dominic Calvert-Lewin’s injuries would get it over the line.

FULHAM
It’s in London; quite a nice bit, too.

LIVERPOOL
Sending Mohamed Salah the other way would go down well with Paris Saint-Germain, who are ‘nailed on’ to go after the Egyptian in any case, and Jurgen Klopp could always shout ‘This Means More’ in Mbappe’s face until he agrees to join.

LUTON TOWN
They’re rebuilding the Bobbers Stand to get it up to scratch for the Premier League, so why not rename it? The Kylian Mbappe Stand directly opposite the David Preece Stand.

MANCHESTER CITY
A 116th FFP charge won’t make a difference.

MANCHESTER UNITED
Sheikh Jassim buying the club would be a start. It would be immoral and downright dirty for Mbappe to move from one Qatari-owned football club to another but it’s fine because that’s definitely not what would be happening. Sheikh Jassim isn’t Qatar guys. He’s a mere member of the Qatari royal family and humble chairman of the Qatar Islamic Bank.

NEWCASTLE UNITED
Saudi Arabia has given out billions to their domestic football teams in a bid to grow the sport so it’s about time they spunked a decent wedge on a marquee signing for their Premier League representative. They could always offer Mbappe a spot in next year’s US Open, if golf’s his jam.

NOTTINGHAM FOREST
If Forest sell all 26 of the players bought last season they’ll fall just short of PSG’s valuation, but they could sack off the refugee charity and make Mbappe’s Zebra Valley company their shirt sponsor.

SHEFFIELD UNITED
Keys to the city? A day-long trolley dash at Meadowhall? It would be a hard sell.

TOTTENHAM
Sell Harry Kane for £100m and the rest of the squad for the other £100m.

WEST HAM
Level with PSG in terms of European honours for over two decades with a Cup Winners’ Cup and an Intertoto crown apiece, West Ham have now streaked ahead with the Europa Conference League title and will be gunning for a fourth in the Europa League next season. Mbappe to Michail Antonio for the winner.

WOLVES
Sheer intimidation from Diego Costa perhaps, or the promise that if he joined he would score 100% of their goals.