I bet the purvey will be magic

Great British Bake Off winner Nadiya Hussain has never used a microwave oven. Steven Wright claims he put instant coffee in his microwave and went back in time.

The Queen's funeral is on Monday. Jack & Victor are gatecrashing the funeral. Kevin Bridges is playing at The Hydro on the same day. There will be no sale in DFS as a mark of respect. The Queen deserves a great send-off. John should succeed the Queen. He ate a 1600-calorie feast in Blackpool last week. The last time he was there he ate at Vintro Lounge. His favourite dish was a fry-up. It was 1600 calories.

A new obesity jab could slash the risk of Type 2 diabetes by over 60%. Princess Anne's son, Peter Phillips, was captaining Gordonstoun School at rugby. The referee asked him for the coin toss. He wanted tails. He said it. It was brilliant. She wishes she was a florist.

BBC has suspended all comedy programmes during the period of national mourning. Off The Ball was supposed to be one of them.

Stuart Cosgrove went to school with the Queen. Will Fish would have been great for The Fish XI. The team would be composed of Bert Troutman, Harry Haddock, Steve Guppy, Sting Ray Whelkins, Herring Berg, Mussel Latapy, Sardine Windass, Eel Berkovic, Prawnaldo, Diego Maradona and Fishing Rod Wallace.

Emeli Sande's favourite drink is champagne. Patrick Thistle fans might be confused by the name of the drink.

Simon Cowell revealed that Simon has no musical ability. Simon is the favourite for the next series of The X Factor.

A cat jumped off a piano and started playing a song. It wasn't Johann Sebastian Bark.