Recovering Tupaea frank about knee injury
"It's probably going to be a long time before I can let it go."
That was the frank response a still-recovering Quinn Tupaea gave this afternoon six months on from the controversial hit by Wallabies lock Darcy Swain that left him with extensive damage to his knee.
Tupaea was sidelined for nine months last September after he had multiple knee ligaments injured in a dangerous cleanout by Swain during the All Blacks' 39-37 win over the Wallabies in Melbourne.
The 23-year-old told 1News today it's still a tough moment for him to reflect on.
"I've watched it a few times," Tupaea said of the moment he was injured. "It's a pretty tough watch.
"I always think about what could have happened if I didn't get cleaned out in the first place or if I didn't jackal or just stuff like leading up to it and after."
Swain, who was called "disgraceful" and a "thug" by rugby punters in the aftermath, was given a six-week ban for the incident with a judiciary committee believing the cleanout "was not intentional, however it was highly reckless".
The punishment was effectively halved by Rugby Australia after they named Swain in their "Australia A" team for a tour the following month, which featured three matches against a Japan XV.
Tupaea conceded six months on he was still "disappointed about the whole thing" and held resentment towards Swain.
"I'm still pretty angry about it," he said.
"It's been tough to let it go — I wouldn't wish this injury on anyone. It's a terrible injury to go through.
"It's probably going to be a long time before I can let it go."
Anger isn't the only emotion Tupaea has had to address in his recovery.
After making his All Blacks debut the prior year, Tupaea was pushing his case to become one of the All Blacks' starting centres amid their roller coaster season with his first start in the Rugby Championship after four Tests off the bench.
It all came to a grinding halt with his injury and left him in a dark place.
"The start was pretty slow and painful... The first six weeks I struggled to leave the bed and the couch," Tupaea said.
"I was stuck at home, I didn't leave the house for six weeks."
Thankfully, his support network got around him and back on the road to recovery, with the 14-Test All Black setting weekly and monthly goals for himself; things like getting his leg brace off, getting back into the gym, jumping on a bike or, more recently, going for a run.
Returning to the Chiefs environment for this year's Super Rugby Pacific season — despite knowing he won't have a playing role in this year's campaign — has also been a mental booster with other long-term sidelined players, such as All Blacks teammate Anton Lienert-Brown, making up the "RTP Crew" complete with their own group chat on social media.
"Coming in every day and going to meetings and helping out with the other non-23 boys has been good for me to switch off from my injury and help out where I can," he said.
The positivity has left Tupaea on track for a recovery in three months with a hopeful return-to-play via Waikato in the NPC in July.
That gives him a brief but possible chance to make an impression on All Blacks selectors ahead of the Rugby World Cup but he's conceded he knows his odds.
"Before I got injured, obviously, it was my goal to go to the Rugby World Cup but with the All Blacks' midfield stock at the moment, it's pretty congested and I'll be playing no Super Rugby," he said.
"I'll be back in time playing for when the World Cup is around but whether I make it... I'm not sure.
"It is a goal of mine but it's just whether it's a realistic goal."
Instead, Tupaea is keeping to his newfound mantra and keeping things simple.
"At the end of the day, I just want to be healthy and back playing rugby."
