Premier League Royal Rumble: Haaland defends City's 22/23 PL title in WWE ring as FFP punishment
With the 2024 WWE Royal Rumble upon us, it’s only right that we book another football version. This time, Manchester City’s 22/23 Premier League title is on the line.
Mike Dean was the winner of the inaugural F365 Premier League Royal Rumble, but the headline-grabbing retired referee will not be able to reclaim his crown on this occasion. This is because this special 20-man edition of the football Royal Rumble will feature one current player from each Premier League side.
While the winner of this match in the sports entertainment realm is traditionally awarded a world title opportunity in the main event of that year’s WrestleMania, the 2016 edition saw champion Roman Reigns be made to put his title on the line as the number one entrant against the remaining competitors.
Taking inspiration from this Royal Rumble, the competitor for Man City (*spoilers* Erling Haaland) will enter at number one and defend the 22/23 Premier League title crown on his team’s behalf. After all, it’s about time they had some adversity to deal with (*cough* 115 charges *cough*) and instead of giving them a heavy fine/points deduction, this would be a far more entertaining way of punishing them.
The rules are as follows:
- 20 entrants (one player from each current Premier League team).
- Entrants one and two begin the match and are followed by the remaining competitors at 90-second intervals until all players have entered the ring.
- Players can only be eliminated if they are thrown over the top rope and BOTH their feet touch the floor.
- Michael Oliver, Anthony Taylor and Co. will surround the ring to decipher between legal and illegal eliminations. And VAR can be used to help them if necessary.
- The winner of the match (and their team) will be crowned Premier League champions for the 2022/23 campaign.
Got it? Good. Let’s ring the bell…
The fans in attendance come unglued when the arena goes dark before flames rise from the entrance ramp. Ally McCoist – joined on commentary by Clive Tyldesley – shouts down his microphone: “That’s got to be Kane!”
…but it turns out to be a menacing-looking Haaland making his way to the ring.
Clearing feeling resentful at what he’s about to be put through, Haalandstomps around the ring as he awaits his first challenger.
Almost every Royal Rumble gets off to a bang and this one will be no different as Liverpool‘s representative – Darwin Nunez – marches down the entrance ramp to face off with Haaland.
Seeking revenge after being trounced by his rival in the fabricated rivalry between 2022 summer signings, Nunez goes straight for Haaland after the opening bell.
The two intimidating forwards exchange blows and they – unlike their scoring form for City and Liverpool respectively – cancel each other out before the 10-second countdown begins on the titantron. Everyone in the building turns their attention to the top of the ramp in anticipation of who will be entrant number three.
And it’s… Crystal Palace’s Jeffrey Schlupp! Realising they may soon be overpowered by the man about to enter the ring, Haaland and Nunez decide to put their differences aside and form a truce so they can keep their Premier League title hopes alive.
Schlupp enters the ring and whispers “Oh f***” upon discovering the intentions of the newly-formed Brothers of Destruction, who pounce on the Palace star and leave him battered and bruised before tossing him over the top rope to make him the first player eliminated from the Royal Rumble.
AFC Bournemouth’s Philip Billing, Nottingham Forest’s Ryan Yates and Wolves’ Pedro Neto are condemned to the same fate as Schlupp as they succumb to the fierce Haaland-Nunez partnership.
Boos ring out around the arena as McCoist and Tyldesley speculate over who possibly could come in the way of Haaland and Nunez going all the way in the match.
Suddenly, their queries are answered as The Geordie Bulldozer – Dan Burn – makes his way to the ring…
Having gotten all excited after laying Haaland and Nunez out with big boots, Burn piles his two foes on top of each other before climbing to the top rope and executing a picture-perfect Swanton Bomb on his rivals. With the two strikers sprawled out on the canvas, the Newcastle man takes this opportunity to taunt them with that TikTok dance he did with Jamie Carragher and Micah Richards once.
The Rumble was being dominated up to now by the big men but entrant number eight – representing plucky babyfaces Luton Town – is winger Chiedozie Ogbene.
After leaving Haaland and Nunez sprawled out on the canvas, Burn gives Ogbene a cocky smirk as he enters the ring, but the speedy Irishman uses his quick offence to avoid an early elimination and he lasts long enough for ‘The Scottish Psychopath’ John Fleck to make his way to the ring.
The Sheffield United midfielder enters the fray and forms a promoted team alliance with Ogbene to take down Burn.
But just as they prepare to eliminate the Newcastle man, Haaland and Nunez rise in unison behind the two smaller competitors and as quickly as they catch wind of what’s about to come, the Brothers of Destruction lift their rivals and deliver double chokeslams before stealing their glory by hurling Burn out of the match.
Next up at ten is Brighton’s James ‘The Boring One’ Milner. Seeing Haaland and Nunez awaiting him in the ring with Ogbene and Fleck struggling to recover from their respective chokeslams, the wily veteran picks up a chair and sits ringside as he refuses to enter.
Visibly chuffed by his wise-but-heelish decision, Milner laps up the boos inside the arena but the smile is wiped off his face when… ‘The Animal’ Cristian Romero emerges as entrant number 11!
Romero immediately makes a beeline for Milner, who rashly decides to enter the ring forgetting that he’s going to be met by Haaland and Nunez. The Brighton oldie whimpers in an attempt to escape his fate but the two strikers give him no sympathy as they team up to eliminate their elder.
Just as Romero is about to butt heads with Haaland and Nunez, they are joined in the match by the 12th man, Fulham’s Raul Jimenez.
Chants of “holy sh*t” ring out around the arena as the four behemoths stare off in the middle of the ring; the scene when they come to blows resembles monster trucks colliding. Haaland and Nunez eventually come out on top and haul Romero and Jimenez out of the ring pretty much at the same time.
Fleck chooses this as the opportune time to rise from his slumber and he is unceremoniously thrown out in another quickfire elimination. Then just as West Ham’s Michail Antonio gradually makes his entrance while doing the worm, with Nunez’s back turned, Haaland turns on the Liverpool man and eliminates him from the match.
Understandably furious, Nunez takes out his annoyance on Ogbene, who is pulled from under the bottom rope and smashed through McCoist and Tyldesley’s announcer’s table.
After Nunez is ushered away by the referees and security at ringside, a smug Haaland and Antonio – who has finally finished doing the worm – are joined in the match by entrant number 14… Everton’s Jordan Pickford.
The England goalkeeper – who missed his true calling in life by becoming a footballer and not a wrestler – gets the better of Haaland and Antonio with his highflying offence but is stopped in his tracks when realising ‘The Bad Guy’ Emiliano Martinez is the next man to enter the match.
The goalkeeper’s union is not a thing in the Royal Rumble match and the two shot-stoppers immediately come to blows. After becoming too focused on one another, a double clothesline by Haaland and Antonio leaves Pickford and Martinez dangling perilously with their respective grip on the top rope the only thing saving them.
Suddenly, the match is drawn to an unexpected halt as a whistle from Anthony Taylor precedes a VAR check; the referee heads to the ringside monitor to check the incident.
Anticipation in the crowd builds to a fever pitch as the official reviews every possible angle and correctly rules – after an edge-of-your-seat-worthy stoppage which lasts upwards of five minutes – that both goalkeepers are out of the match as (by the finest of margins) both their feet touched the floor. Maybe VAR isn’t too bad after all…
This VAR review delayed the arrival of number 15, Chelsea’s Nicolas Jackson.
Facing the prospect of being overpowered by Haaland and Antonio, the stuttering striker’s hopes are low but he is suddenly joined in the ring by the next entrant, Burnley loanee David Datro Fofana, who opts to turn on his current club by taking off his Clarets armband and replacing it with a Chelsea one to signify him joining Jackson in helping the Blues become Premier League champions.
Jackson and Fofana use their freshness to edge Haaland and Antonio to the ropes ready for elimination. The two strikers turn and nod to one another as they run to boot their rivals out of the match.
But just as their xG is poor, finishing is not their strong suit in wrestling either as they miss Haaland and Antonio, who make the most of this switch in momentum and dump the Chelsea pair out of the match to end their title hopes as quickly as they had picked up.
Just three entrants to go now and the first of them is Arsenal’s Bukayo Saka, who is out to right the wrong on his side’s behalf after they fell apart during last season’s run-in.
With a determined glint in his eye, Saka surprisingly targets Antonio over Haaland, who watches on in disbelief as Arsenal’s star boy takes control of the celebration maestro and – despite his height disadvantage – eliminates the West Ham man from the match.
The decibels in the arena go through the roof as Saka turns to Haaland and the pair go face-to-face in the middle of the ring.
Before they can throw hands, entrant 19 – ‘The Dirtiest Player in the Game’ Bruno Fernandes – spoils the party.
The Manchester United captain pushes his way through into the middle of Saka and Haaland but screams in agony after diving to the canvas, seemingly looking for a free-kick or penalty. Bless him, he must be confused.
After Haaland and Saka look at Fernandes with bemusement, the Man Utd midfielder snaps out of it and rises from the floor to glare at his two foes.
And as soon as he does, people’s attention diverts to the titantron for the final entrant of the match: “10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…” It’s ‘The Million Dollar Man’ Ivan Toney!
Just as Sky Sports would want, Toney’s entrance is reminiscent of the prodigal son returning as he laps up his moment before facing off with Haaland, Saka and Fernandes.
The final four treat supporters to a contest for the ages as they all endure tense near-elimination moments during the sprint towards the finish.
Fernandes is left in a perilous position after being prised over the top rope and is eliminated via a double dropkick from England pair Saka and Toney.
Saka and Toney then focus back on Haaland, who is looking very bewildered at this point after lasting the whole duration of the match. The two underdogs use every tag-team trick in the book to chop down the Man City man before channelling The Dudley Boyz to hit a 3D on the Norwegian.
With Haaland down and Saka losing concentration for a split second, Toney goes for the Arsenal man, who smartly reverses to send the Brentford star over the top rope and out of the match.
With Premier League glory within his grasp, Saka goes to pick up a broken Haaland but is stopped in his tracks when Man City’s desperate competitor lands a low blow to leave Arsenal’s title hopes in tatters.
Supporters in the arena threaten to hijack the show by throwing anything and everything in the ring towards Haaland in protest at the striker’s despicable act.
This does not bother the City man, though. He dumps Saka over the top rope to end the match to retain the Premier League title on his team’s behalf… or at least so he thinks.
Just as the bell rings, Luton Town’s Ogbene – who had been playing possum at ringside after recovering from being blasted through the announcer’s table by Nunez – re-enters the ring and quickly hoists a distracted Haaland over the top rope and onto the floor!
And in what McCoist describes as “The Heist of the Century”… Luton Town steal Manchester City’s title to become Premier League champions!
As Haaland sits solemnly on the entrance ramp as Man City finally get their comeuppance, the final camera shot of the night shows “The Miracle Kid” Ogbene lifting the Premier League title on behalf of newly-crowned champions Luton Town.
What a rollercoaster, I’m off for a lie down…
