Ranking Vassar’s table tennis tables
According to a recent survey of Vassar students, table tennis is the college’s third-most popular sport, after ultimate frisbee and complaining. Although a recent intramural table tennis tournament was canceled due to a lack of signups, general participation in the sport is high, as is the use of table tennis balls for unspeakable, unrelated games which bring the sport into disrepute. Vassar offers a number of potential venues for table tennis, all of which have their pros and cons; without further ado, here they are discussed in depth and ranked worst to best.
#5: Josselyn
The table in the Joss MPR would look more at home on the set of a zombie movie than it does playing host to games of table tennis. It is warped and decrepit, and the net sags so far that you can more or less roll the ball across to the other side. On the one hand, you feel like a part of history because Maria Mitchell probably also played on this table; on the other, it gives you an accurate sense of what it would be like to play table tennis in a bouncy castle. And don’t forget that the ball semi-frequently goes behind the vending machines or into the trash can. Ultimately, the Joss MPR table tennis table provides all comers with a thoroughly negative experience and upsetting memories which you’re sure to carry with you until the day you die.
Pro: Lightweight paddles (Because all the padding has fallen off. And most of the handle.)
Con: Everything
#4: Lathrop
It’s possible that I’m being too harsh on the Lathrop table because I haven’t played on it in a very long time. This is in part because it was broken for a while, allegedly after somebody sat on it; I also just don’t make a habit of going to Lathrop. One major plus is that you can watch people playing from the weird little balcony in the Lathrop MPR, but the table is kind of off in a corner, which means that you run the risk of slamming into the wall like Wile E. Coyote while chasing a wide shot. If and when this does happen, the people watching from the balcony might throw things at you and call you hurtful names, like “wall boy” and “dumb dumb.” Play at your own risk.
Pro: It’s there
Con: Always broken
#3: Davison
The table in the Davison basement does have a certain charm, mainly provided by the basement itself. There’s simply no reason for the basement of Davison House to be that nice, but against all odds it is, so we might as well enjoy it. It does have a sort of uncanny, new-car-smell feel that can be distracting during an intense table tennis match, but overall the ritzy vibes elevate the playing experience. One decided downside, however, is the net. The Davison table has a solid net like you might expect from an outdoor table, despite being wholly and undeniably indoors. This makes any ball-net contact totally untenable; even the lightest let is sent ricocheting wildly around the fancy basement, hitting the wall and the mounted stock-photo-esque pictures of smiling student athletes before careening into your left eye. It’s the only real flaw of an otherwise very respectable table; unfortunately, it is a debilitating one. Hard net? Hard pass.
Pro: Swanky location
Con: Horrid solid net
#2: Cushing
Now we’re getting somewhere. The Cushing table tennis table, located in a relatively small room off the main MPR, is an eminently decent one. The paddles are intact and relatively plentiful, and the table itself is in good condition. The cozy Cushing vibe also adds a certain air to proceedings—the wood paneling and stained carpets give the table a pleasant ambience. It’s not without its failings, though: The net sags slightly, and the two halves of the table are liable to separate occasionally. Worst of all is the lighting. There’s no overhead light, and several of the standing lamps spread throughout the room lack lampshades, so the room always feels both very dim and very bright. This would not be as much of a problem if we weren’t so concerned about constantly keeping track of a 40-millimeter ball at all times; we are, though, so the disorienting lighting sometimes poses difficulties.
Pro: Home of friendship
Con: Can’t see a darn thing
#1: Noyes
It brings me no pleasure to report that the best table tennis table on campus, by a country mile, is in Noyes. I can’t come up with a single serious complaint about this table—it’s relatively new, the net is perky, and serviceable paddles are provided. The location is nice too. Because it’s at the end of a weird hallway, the room is usually quiet, and it’s well lit to boot. There’s even a view out onto Noyes Circle, if you’re into that sort of thing. The only problem is that it’s in Noyes, but if I put aside my prejudices, there’s no denying it: The Noyes table reigns supreme.
